The Case for Civility

Civility personified

According to the inimitable Shona Chaudhury, the language we Indians use is to corner each other. Dealing with other Indians seems to bring out the worst in us. Even if we do extend co-operation it isn’t to feed our higher intrinsic values but for personal gain – the what’s-in-it-for-me syndrome. 

There was a time when this wasn't the case. The majority used to be civil and genuinely helpful. That Indians would be anything else to one another wasn't something I even considered. Why is this wonderful culture eroding?

There are many and varied reasons why we get reduced to being ungenerous or arrogant towards others. One of them is to keep others out of our exclusive group. Often it is to hide feelings of inadequacy. On the other hand, it could well be crass self-admiration. Perhaps too many people having to share too few resources has something to do with it. What complicates the issue for us Indians is that the gap between the privileged and under-privileged is huge. 

When we see the ones who are privileged or prosperous benefitting from arrogance, we try and emulate their behaviour. It gradually seeps into our psyche and our system. And don’t let’s forget the other side of the coin. The ones who are prosperous or privileged see for themselves and know in their hearts how little difference there really is between them and the underprivileged. That causes a fear psychosis of its own. Many of us take on the ugly mantle of arrogance to keep the others in their place and so that we don’t have to share our privileges or resources. 

There is another kind of arrogance that needs a quick mention. It is more complex than bludgeoning arrogance. It stems from a variety of reasons and sometimes it is self defence because one doesn't know how the other person will react to civility. Will they mistake it for familiarity? Or horror of horrors, an invitation or a come on? This happens when we live side by side with a whole variety of cultures. Some of us grow up believing that even talking to members of the opposite sex is being "lose" and others mingle freely without giving it a second thought. What happens when the two cultures live on each others doorsteps could well be the stuff comedies or tragedies are made of. That's the sort of sitcom (hopefully a comedy, hopefully subtle) I'm looking forward to watching on Indian TV someday.

Which brings me to another kind of subtle pressure that comes our way - from our movies. To convey superiority, the hero clicks fingers at the less fortunate, like waiters; a man of means slaps or scolds the economically downtrodden like the chaprasi or gurkha; and our varied public drinks it all in. In a horrible blend of movies and real life we see some grown people touching the toes of politicians - often uneducated ones who hold portfolios they are ill qualified for - to curry favour. At the same time they use peremptory tones with others because movies have taught them it proves their superiority. 

Our politicians  encourage this because to them, our servility means money and power. It is heady. If they have to use the services of goons to keep us afraid and servile, they don’t hesitate. The end isn’t something as highfaluting as benefit of the people and the country but their having the purse strings in their clutches and no one – except other, stronger politicians with bigger goons – challenging their decisions. In short, it is the rule of the jungle over and above the rule of law; the rule of arrogance and servility over pride and humility; everything that is inherently decent in the human spirit subjugated to everything that is base.

If we scratch at the surface of this wish to abase ourselves to some and be insensitive and downright bludgeoning to others we realise it stems from the same basic instinct for survival - fear.

It is time we asked ourselves if we need to give in to our baser instinct by using arrogant or sycophantic language or behaviour. If you believe we do, don’t waste your time reading any further. Otherwise, read on.

Servility makes the one who has to dish it out resentful. Arrogance makes the recipient resentful. Your gain is my loss and vice versa. The truly civilised or the truly informed and educated don’t feel the need to do either. In their minds, either arrogance or abasing oneself to others is crass and ignorant. They use language that brings out the best within themselves and others; that resonates with their humanity and quest for knowledge. They seek co-operation and win-win. They know that being polite costs nothing, appeals to the human spirit and gets the work done. 

As Steven Covey would feel the need to qualify at this juncture, this isn’t about outward change where we are able to express ourselves and make a point. Nor is this about handling ourselves with skill and poise. It isn't about, Oh, I'm so exquisitely polite. 

It isn’t about our persuasive skills either. It’s about stopping abrasive and unnecessary put downs; about changing our behaviour so that we start feeling good, not just about ourselves (which is a negative, victorious, disrespectful and often ignorant kind of "good" at someone else's expense) but about other Indians too.  It is about plain and simple respect for ourselves and others.

What would convince us to strive for such behaviour? Some of us, in our minds, equate it with weakness. (If I don’t take advantage, they will...) Here's a thought, derived from this article on wiki, that might convince us otherwise. 

If we believe we'd like to be arrogant with some and servile with others, someone else believes the same about us. They like being arrogant with us and our being servile to them. That is exactly what we don’t want. On the other hand if civility were the norm, they would hesitate to be either arrogant or servile with anyone - including us. 

So even if it is a question of making rational choices it stands to reason that we behave civilly with all, as evenly and consistently as possible. 

One thing that could well mean genuine respect for many in India could be to see what education does to the underprivileged. So many NGOs are doing admirable work in that field. It would be great if all of us took the trouble to find out who these NGOs are in our immediate vicinity and what they do.

Here are a couple of interesting articles on arrogance
How to Detect Arrogant People
10 Ways to Tell if You're Confident - or Arrogant