Showing posts with label parenting skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting skills. Show all posts

Thursday, May 3, 2012

What Does Laughter Convey?

Sharmila felt their eyes boring into her. She felt her back stiffen but continued walking, her head high. She knew they thought her proud. That's okay by me, she thought, tossing her head. They are useless bitches anyway. With her mind distracted she didn't notice the stone in her path. She tripped. Arms flailing wildly for a few seconds and legs running uncontrollably to right gravity, she finally managed to regain her balance. Her neck went a slow dull red as she heard them snicker.
Microsoft free clipart

Exactly the same happened to Dina. Except, she fell flat. For a second the fall knocked the breath out of her. Her face screwed up in pain. Making a superhuman effort because she was conscious of the watching group, she laughed. No one laughed until she did. Then helpless laughter took over. One of the group went up to her and smiling, held out her hand to hoist Dina back up again.

What lay behind the laughter? The bunch of girls knew Sharmila thought herself above them. Her airs made them feel slightly spiteful and when they witnessed her stumble and lose face, it was not only unexpected, it was doubly gratifying because her airs were reduced to naught by the sight of her thrashing about helplessly. They knew she felt more humiliated than proud right then. It was the best equaliser - a leveller. They snickered softly amongst themselves aware that she heard.

Dina, on the other hand, didn't have any such airs. She behaved normally with the others. Besides, she fell and might've hurt herself. If nobody would've been there to witness her fall, she would've given herself a bit longer to wince at her physical discomfort. But with witnesses she felt embarrassed and laughed to convey not only that she was alright but that she understood how funny the sight of her landing on her backside might've appeared to them.

When she laughed the bunch of girls realised she was more embarrassed than hurt. Why did that evoke their laughter? Perhaps they felt awkward for having witnessed her pride take a slight beating and tried to get rid of that feeling by laughing; perhaps they understood it could well have been them and the laughter was to express a tiny bit of relief it wasn't; perhaps they felt a sudden sense of relief from anxiety that Dina wasn't hurt. Nobody would've laughed if she were badly hurt. People normally don't laugh at someone's obvious distress. In short, their laughter conveyed a plethora of emotions and, unlike with Sharmila, it was inclusive.

There are many kinds of laughter. There are nuances and layers for each individual type and this discussion covers a few. The best are the ones that express happiness or friendly amusement. Amused laughter conveys appreciation for someone's sense of humour or wit. It could be evoked by a feeling of incongruity, a clever turn of phrase, double or hidden meanings, appreciation for someone's ability to recount a joke well, an unexpected punch line. It could be many things - what tickles the funny bone is as varied as there are individuals on our planet.

Often laughter is tolerant, indulgent or affectionate as with a child. The best release after a harrowing experience is nervous laughter - perhaps you fared better than you expected in an exam or witnessed an old lady narrowly miss being hit by a bus whilst crossing the road; perhaps the ghost story you watched made you uneasy but you don't wish to let on to your friends.

Laughter really does convey many emotions but there are some darker emotions that tell us not all is well with the person laughing. Kids are often guilty of insensitivity and need to be taught gently but firmly that it is cruel to laugh at physical handicaps like stuttering speech or crossed or squint eyes. Let's face it, a few adults are guilty of the same but hopefully, on the whole, society is quick to censure them.

Some people are plain attention seekers and more often than not, their laughter is loud and jarring. Others laugh derisively to convey they don't agree with someone else's opinion. Such laughter stems from a desire to make others feel inferior and unsure of themselves, to poke fun at or bully others. Disrespecting others makes people who indulge in such laughter feel better about themselves. If others rise to the bait and feel less worthy it makes them feel rewarded. It is best not to rise to their bait or even to show you care. Such people (the disrespectful) need a different set of skills to feel good about themselves, improve their self esteem and feel empathetic towards others.

Getting along with others is an important skill to have as human beings are essentially social animals. Parents aren't born with parenting skills and yet need to ensure their kids are empowered with such skills. How do they do that? I've often recommended the book, "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". It is as good a place as any for parents to start learning such skills and ensure their kids grow up feeling good about themselves.I am sure there is much out there on the net too.

To end, here is what, according to this site, happy laughter does for us. It lifts us up. Life becomes worth living. We experience that vanishing state of being called relaxation. We stress less and enjoy other people more. We become fully present in the moment.Our kids seem to know all this instinctively as they seem to laugh a lot more readily than grownups. It is up to grown ups to preserve that knowledge in their kids so they grow up feeling positive about themselves and others.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Anger Out of Control in S.Asia?

I subscribe to Shekhar Kapur's blog as I find it informative and well thought out. Take a recent article. It's about anger and how Shekhar feels it is going out of control, especially in S.Asia.

Ale Enfurecido by Alepando, free clipart
What are the benefits of getting angry?

Anger is agression - a natural defensive human condition. People get angry when they are hurt. Most people find that anger is also very manipulative. Angry people, very often, manage to get their own way which must surely be very gratifying. If getting angry helps us get our way, why would we want to control the emotion?

The downside is that it rarely makes the hurt that accompanied our anger go away. Uncontrolled anger makes us uncaring of the consequences for just a fleeting moment. In that moment, we lose control so completely that our anger controls our actions. It leaves us feeling sorry afterwards, full of regret for what we said or did. We wish we could take it back. Our anger makes the other person angry too. It rarely resolves the issue that made us angry with that person in the first place. In the long run it loses us a lot of friends and makes us feel hostile and unfriendly towards people. Of the two - a person with a cool head and one with a short fuse, I know who I would prefer to trust.

The best time to teach this skill is when people are young, very young. Which brings me to parenting skills.We are not born with parenting skills. Yes, most of us are nurturing by nature. But are our well meaning intentions for our kids enough? Is it enough that we want the absolute best for our kids and nothing less will do? Don't we, especially first time parents, need some basic training too?

For example, how do we best handle kids who throw a tantrum? How do we empower them with skills to express their anger in a constructive way? How do we teach them that resolving an issue is the only way to get rid of their hurt, and consequently, their anger? That the momentary gratification of throwing a tantrum will only leave them feeling lonely and bitter for a long time afterwards?

What are these constructive ways of expressing anger? Let me put it this way - if our kids are ill we take them to specially trained people, in other words, our doctors, for cures. If, or rather, when our kids get angry, we, as parents, need first to learn, and then to impart, constructive anger-channelling skills. Where do we learn these skills?

Online? Courses? Books? There's a lot of information out there on anger management. One of the best parenting skills books I've read is, the very wordy but worthy title

"How To Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen to Kids when They Talk"

Do parenting skills make our kids perfect? Assuredly not! We are humans with human failings and emotions. But parenting skills do give our kids the ability to express their frustration and hurt much better than before. It helps them quickly move on to happier emotions.

One last note on anger in our young ones - the makings of an aggressive bully. It is a habit to be nipped in the bud through adult intervention. It is neither good for the bully nor the bullied. The bully learns to use aggression to overcome what's in his or her path and when that doesn't work in adult life - at the office, for example, becomes frustrated, angry and eventually, probably isolated. I remember a young mum who used to attend school during breaks (in Mumbai) simply to prevent her toddlers from being physically hurt by bullies.

Good on Barrack Obama and Michelle for addressing bullying in schools. When it makes kids commit suicide, it is time for grown ups to step in. This link will give you the details to that story. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2035621/Why-bullied-children-worse-grades-school-left-alone.html




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