After the
first flush of love it dawns on each partner that the other isn’t perfect. How
do we avoid the pitfalls of seeing each other deal with life’s problems,
often ineptly, at consistently close quarters? It isn’t possible to wear a
“face” all the time. Trust and appreciation certainly help. How do we build
that trust? A droplet at a time. Every moment either adds to or
depletes that trust.
My idea: To talk
about two such moments in time. The first shows how easy it is to ruffle emotions.
Background: On one of our walks my
husband and I met a little boy who told us all about his dog, his mum and their
ages.
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"Hello, little doggy," he said. All of 800 millimeters
high, I guess he felt mighty tall compared to our dog. Then he looked up at us.
"What's your doggy's name?"
"Kara," I said.
"Ka--ra," he felt the name on his tongue, stroking her
gently.
"I like it," he pronounced, smiling happily. We were
both absurdly pleased with his seal of approval.
“How old is Kara?”
"She's an old lady. She's sixteen," said my husband.
"Oh,” said the young fella, looking up at us with eyes that
were suddenly anxious. Mystified, we looked back at his worried face. We could
tell he wanted to say something. We waited,
encouraging smiles on our faces. “I have a dog too,” he announced finally.
“Really? What’s your dog’s name?”
“Cuddles,” he said his eyes softening momentarily. The next second
they clouded over again. He quickly turned away. We wondered what was bothering
him even as we watched him, fascinated. What an amazingly mobile face. Unable
to keep his worry to himself a moment longer he turned to face us and blurted
out in a rush, “He and my mum are very old. They’re twenty-one..."
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As you can imagine after that
conversation we were in high spirits. We continued our walk, still on the topic of "age"
and how being "old" was relative. Neither of us was averse to
pulling the other's leg. I teased my partner about his great age. He was then
thirty-five. He gave back as good as he got. Then... he said something which
implied criticism to me. I pretended nothing was wrong but I was upset. I was able to work things out to
our satisfaction only after, and perhaps because of, the second incident in
which I was nervous about revealing a secret.
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How do you
let your husband in on a carefully guarded secret? Especially if you’ve held
back for two whole years?
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This incident evoked emotions
which were mere blips on my radar screen at the time. I didn’t realise how long those feelings would stay with me and how much they’d colour my
perspective and reaction to things for years to come.
