Birthday Parties - A Different Perspective

When we first came to NZ, our kids were young. We celebrated their birthdays exactly as we did in India. A party for at least ten young kids and their families, a gourmand's experience, games and prizes and some entertainment. Face-painting was very popular. There were gifts all around - some for our kids and going-away gifts for their guests. For a couple of bithdays, just to make it different we celebrated their birthdays at MacDonald's and other kids' places. Then that was passe so we had to be inventive again. Birthdays were always made much of - in India and here. Later, our kids began developing their own tastes. My daughter wanted five special friends and a sleepover for them at our house. My son wanted games arcades and tons of friends.

And then they grew up some more. On his twenty-first, I remember my son organised his own get together. I was allowed to make a plateful of sandwiches, no more. And he made a fun cake with a decadent choc layer and bought a few packets of chippies. He'd booked a room at the pub for the evening. That was it. If his friends wanted a drink, they could go and buy one for themselves. I was scandalised but my son reassured me that was how it was done in his circle. And since many of his friends had turned twenty-one before him, I suppose he knew better.

Many of his friends were living at or close to university, studying for a degree and working at some job - a retail job as sales staff or hotel staff etc to pay for their education and day to day living. They were independent and cheerfully cash strapped. Some of them had parents helping them with college fees and the rent for their living quarters but not with their day to day living. Most of them had to manage rent, food and everything else. Why did they do it? By eighteen they felt the need to try things out for themselves. Besides, everyone else did it. (They still loved their parents and visited them as often as possible, make no mistake.)

The exceptions were our Indian kids. Almost all of them lived at home with their parents unless they'd come to study at the university from another city. Then they moved into quarters at the Uni and had their parents foot the bill for everything. This was definitely a cultural thing. We felt it was best for them to concentrate on their studies and not on money worries. That would happen once they started working full time.

What I did not realise was that our kids would want to move out and have a taste of independence too, just like their friends. I expected our son to but definitely not our daughter. She was our little girl.

When we moved to another city they did not come with us. Yes, both of them decided to stay back. Our son promised to look after our little girl. She was still in her teens. We were worried but couldn't help seeing the excitement in her eyes. We decided, with us not too far away and ready to catch them in a safety net if need be, perhaps this was the best way for her to spread her wings. Under her brother's wing! With a tight knot in our hearts we reluctantly let go.

They still did not have complete monetary independence but they learnt to pay their own electricity bills, to manage their own time, make the effort to entertain on a budget, manage their own bank accounts and do everything necessary to run a home. I am glad they gradually slipped into independence and not suddenly. Both of them took a year off studies to get work experience. (Many take a year off to travel. They call it their BIG OE or overseas experience.)

Coming back to gift giving, they've learnt to be circumspect. They feel it isn't right to be extravagant. They entertain on a budget - something simple - no five course meals. If they go out, each one pays for himself or herself. They seem to spend a bit on going for a show or a music concert or an art show. It is good to see them make these decisions for themselves.

What made me think of this today? It is my daughter's birthday.

Hope you like the gift, (dare I say it), baby.

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Is Reality TV Breaking up Relationships?

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A good TV show strikes at raw emotion or appeals to the intellect. Guess what some producers today have discovered doesn't cost much, and yet, has at least one of the above two ingredients. It is reality TV. The stars are ordinary people, often strapped for cash and hesitant to question their amazing luck and the sudden bounty. As for the audience - according to the ratings they love watching what ordinary people have to say, think or feel - they can't seem to get enough.

I do enjoy some of these shows but not all. And not always. I like our talent shows - dancing, singing competitions. "Kaun Banega Crorepati" is an all time favourite - both the English and Indian versions. A caring nanny teaching kids in a positive way to behave better is another favourite as are some cooking and home improvement shows. But people bickering or "firing" others in public to gain an advantage or show they can are the pits.

What's frightening is that it can easily influence our young. It can change a culture. So many begin to believe that clawing your way to the top or to fame or fortune is acceptable. Put downs become the norm with a total lack of empathy or respect for other people's feelings. Values we used to prize are given disparaging names like "old fashioned" or "outdated" or "weak and ineffectual". Well, to me, such values are very much part of being human. I doubt if they will ever be upstaged just because someone makes them sound derogatory. Yes, we don't wear them on our sleeves and we don't expect applause everytime we espouse those values. They simply make us happy. I believe there is nothing wrong with, for example, being warm or polite or kind and everything wrong with someone who thinks it is smart to be the opposite. Nothing will convince me the latter can ever be winners in the long run. Others will simply try and get away from them instead of supporting or standing by such people.

Yesterday I had the misfortune to watch one of the many bad reality TV shows that have taken over a lot of what comes off our screens. The formula stipulates they have to have an "emotional" angle so the audience is moved to react. And I fell into the trap. My reaction was to watch this young couple, horrified, hoping they wouldn't break up because of this show. The presenter did everything to put them on the spot, one partner pitted against the other, by showing up the disparity in what they liked. They were encouraged to blurt out things they realised the other partner liked that they disliked. A frown, a sudden burst of temper, unkind words spoken in haste which they regretted later. It was just so disheartening to watch.

Most successful couples know how to arrive at a compromise; to be tactful as they try to work towards things they both enjoy. NO two people like exactly the same things. This poor couple didn't stand a chance. They were given a fat allowance each; they were encouraged to indulge their own pet likes; they were constantly reminded this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to show who should count more - themselves or their partners. What a deliberate and needless pitting against each other. Not one of them had the guts to declare themselves a team - that they would like to discuss things with each other before arriving at a decision - for fear of appearing weak to the presenter or perhaps, of losing their bounty.

What attracts people to do these shows? As I said earlier, it might be the temptation of earning some money or the hope (just like any normal human being) that they will be plucked from anonimity into stardom. Even the presenter is in the same boat and knows if he or she won't, someone else will do the show.

I hope the audience is more discerning. They don't earn money to watch a show. They pay. They are the only ones who will force quality into our programmes. How? Simply by changing channels if they come across something that literally preys on people's emotions and vulnerabilities. The ever important ratings are the only driving force to make producers realise what the audience wants. Wish I'd remembered all this yesterday and turned the ruddy TV off. The entire time I kept watching to see signs of a break up between that couple. I mentally kept rejecting the petty ploys of the presenter, hoping the young couple would see through this person's intent and that they wouldn't lose each other. In the end, in spite of the best efforts of the anchor, it didn't happen. Ha! Or who knows? Perhaps it didn't happen on TV :-(

Next time, however fascinated I am (for all the wrong reasons), if exploiting someone's human vulnerabilities is the intent of a TV show, I must force myself to change channels.

Here's another interesting article I discovered about how some of our presenters have learnt to stress on the inane, ignoring important issues and how politicians shout each other down and don't contribute anything worthwhile to our knowledge of said issues. His exact words, "screeching on television" The detail and examples that this blogger has given are amusing, vexing and frustrating. Guess what my solution is to such shows? Yes, you guessed it - let your fingers on your remote do the talking. The producers are sure to sit up and listen.



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Leibster Blog Awards

Well I never! I've received a blogging award - "The Leibster Award" to be exact! I'm lost for words. Best to let the person who gave me the award do the talking

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Thank you lady, for those kind words. I now have the honour of choosing five fellow bloggers for the same award. But first, a little about Perspectives and prejudices (PP) - the wonderful lady who gave me the award. Her articles are based on real life experiences that have had a profound impact on her. When I read them, I always feel the emotions she felt at the time. Take the article she wrote for "Violence Against Women" (an organisation we've both written for and where I first came across PP). The incident she described disturbed her enough to want to share it. It stayed with me too. How best do we balance our desire not to interfere with our concern for a fellow human being who might be in trouble. Is it such a difficult dilemma that we would rather not front it head on? Simply circumvent it with a sigh and a "Never Mind Yaar"? Take the one she wrote recently titled, "Are People Born Evil?" It made me feel helpless, worried, even scared for our vulnerable young. And the callous indifference of our institutions made me angry. It again boils down to lack of funds and since last year we all know where tax payer money goes.

Pp is the one who brings many and varied issues to our attention - all with the power of her pen.So I feel especially honoured that she singled me out for the award.

Before I mention the five blogs I've found consistently interesting, here's a little info about the award - say something about the blogger who awarded you and link back to his or her blog (I needed no prompting for that. Click on any of the 3 links above to go to PP's blog); choose your top 5 favourite blogs and award them by linking back to their blogs; post the award on your blog. And last but not least, enjoy the love and appreciation you’ve got and share the blogging karma!

There's only one rule - your chosen blogs should have less than two hundred followers. If you get more than one award, simply name five more favourites. And believe me, it isn't easy to single out just five from so many. There are many bloggers I continue discovering and enjoying. Or to put it more accurately, I enjoy their posts. The posts I love I put up on my blogroll, just below the "about" section in the right hand column of my blog. It is an ongoing project. 


Here are my five LEIBSTER AWARDEES. Just to make things interesting, I've shared a post or two from each that I've especially enjoyed.

Freebird - Mostly contemplative, sometimes reflective but always tongue-in-cheek. That's her very apt tag line for herself. Add to that - "always thought provoking and a pleasure to read. English must be her first language", and you've got mine for her. All her posts are interesting. Here's an open letter by google. Her latest touched a chord too - another must read for (grown) kids to realise their mums and dads are not to be underestimated. Besides, if you are dispersed in far-flung places, this can help stay in touch.

Look out, for here comes Zephyr, the cybernag. Zephyr talks about issues that strike a chord with many. Take Shooting Down Stereotypes. Again, there are many posts on this topic by many in blogosphere. It seems to be of particular interest to young adults in India right now. But Zephyr has gone one step further. Read the post for its unusual angle. Also, don't miss her views on real education versus degrees. Ouch!

Secular Right India How do I inform this person of his award? He doesn't have an email address for me to write to. His was the first blog I subscribed to. And I haven't stopped reading him since. I'll just leave a comment in one of his posts - the one on what a difference it would make if people discussed things from one of three layers of communication. Secular Right feels we don't. And we end up talking at, instead of with, each other. Here's the post.

PK (Parashar Krishnamachari), the Grumpy Atheist, counters religious viewpoints with logic. I am sure PK's posts will interest many and even if you disagree his heartfelt viewpoints deserve to be heard. "The History Channel Must Change its Name to Comedy Central " is one of many posts I hugely enjoyed. It isn't only PK who feels that recently, it (the History channel) has unfortunately gone from being fascinating to sensationalist. And PK's written to tell us exactly why he thinks so. His latest on dogma in religion focuses on people who are inventive and who try to give their beliefs credibility by linking them to difficult-to-understand scientific knowledge.

Finally, Shreeji Ka Kheda: After living in the US for a few years a young couple went to Bhilwara for a few months. Their aim? To empower the community there, especially the women. This very interesting blog tells you of the young couple's journey, the problems they faced and some of their ingenious solutions. One thing is clear. It ain't easy but in the end, it is so worth it. They've devoted one section to how people can get involved and help. Here's the post that really touched me and I've read at least two on the same topic by other bloggers since. Their last post was last year - 2010. But, I still feel this blog is worth visiting for its insights and suggestions. (Another similar venture is the Jagriti Journal mentioned in a respected Indian newspaper, the Hindu.)

So congrats Leibster winners. It will be interesting to read about your five awardees. Hope your membership grows. This blogger believes you certainly are worth reading.



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A letter from PP :-)

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How do we Decide a School is GOOD?

I went to an all- girls school. I believe, in those days, it was the right decision my parents made. Of course, the fact that it was a Parsi Girls school and my parents were proud Parsis might’ve had something to do with their decision. That the teacher who taught my favourite subject turned out to be a non Parsi is, to my mind, ironic and amusing. Whatever the reasons for my parents' decision, it was made with the best of intentions. 

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What triggered this thought was something someone mentioned to me. He said he’d moved his daughter from a local school to one in another, far-away suburb. I wondered what his reasons for the change were.

“It means her travelling time has increased. But, it is worth it. The school has a good reputation.” His face conveyed how impressed he was with the school.

“Oh. If it is good, I suppose it is worth the time she spends travelling,” I said doubtfully, thinking of the poor girl wasting an hour each way, getting bored, tired and hungry.

He might’ve seen the doubt in my face and felt compelled to justify his decision some more, for he added, “It is a girls’ school and has a wonderful reputation. At her local co-ed school she was distracted.”

“Of course,” I smiled, hoping my face conveyed understanding. “Congratulations.” 

As I continued walking, scarcely knowing where my dog led me as she joyfully ran from one tree to the next, I wondered with an inward smile what exactly he meant by ‘distracted’. Were her hormones kicking in despite her good and decent upbringing? Perhaps it was the boys' raging hormones; or perhaps the boys were too boisterous and noisy, not letting her concentrate on her studies? I smiled, amused by my thoughts. I wondered idly if girls and boys today were any different from girls and boys in our days. 

In some ways, we will never change. It is nothing to do with our culture or beliefs. It is the very nature of humans. But in others, we have. Our decisions for our kids are based, as always, on what we think is best for our kids. But, what we think is best is based, not only on the reality that is today but also on the reality that was at least two decades ago when we formed our values and opinions.

I remember reading, a long time ago, that girls were better off in all-girls schools. In co-ed schools they felt intimidated and rather than risk being laughed at by boys for asking questions, clearing their doubts or even answering the teacher’s questions, they kept quiet. In an all-girls school they had no such inhibitions. 

On the other hand, boys were better off in a co-ed school. If they were segregated, they either put girls on pedestals or thought of them as an alien species but not normal human beings. The habit of long association made them behave more normally. 

Today, girls and boys intermingle more easily than in our days. Yes, there are some from either sex who have this undeniable urge to smirk at everything the other side utters, never really taking in the actual words. But on the whole the intermingling has benefited both. Girls aren’t intimidated enough to quash their questions to, or clear their doubts with, teachers. Their confidence in themselves and their abilities has grown exponentially.

Wonder if it is time for us to rethink the reasons we get out kids to spend hours commuting to “good” schools far away. 

Also, what is the definition of a good school? To my mind it is one where the kids are taught many life skills, practical skills, outdoors and academic skills; where the ratio of teacher to student doesn’t exceed 1:30. This is easily quantifiable. If we look at the school’s curriculum and web site we come to know heaps. Today, a few good schools have sprouted up in the cities of India with less than the average ratio of 1 teacher:70 students in each class. 

Hopefully our schools will work towards reasonable (not exhorbitant) fees, NO cash donations, teachers who don't over-burden our kids with homework and who give them many and varied skills apart from an academic education. Is this too idealistic? I don't think so. Not when we think of our kids as India's future.

What isn’t quantifiable is the quality of each individual teacher. Given that his or her knowledge of the subject is good, do we ever come to know the teacher’s ability to teach the subject right at the outset? It depends on so many factors and to me the most important is the teacher’s nature – empathy and patience with the kids being of utmost importance. There are others like making the subject interesting, perhaps even fun; not offloading the responsibility of teaching by burdening kids with too much homework; being approachable, not intimidating and still in charge.

A tall order? Not if training is involved. Otherwise, a "good" school remains too much of an ambiguity, a chance, the luck of the draw.

Ken Robinson on Ted.Com talks about grown ups who love what they do and ones who hate what they do. He claims that it is education that very often dislocates people from their talents. A very interesting talk on what education should be transformed to.

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7 Experts Who Helped Us Buy A House in NZ

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Wherever one is in the world I think the anxiety and excitement of buying one's own property is universal. We were scarcely able to believe that we were finally taking the plunge. And we had no clue as to what was involved.

We started off by peeking into houses as discreetly as possible. We drove around on weekends looking for "for sale" boards. We boldly ventured far, as, the further we went from the city, the cheaper and more spacious the houses seemed to get.

We trudged around visiting "Open Homes", drove around looking for "For Sale" boards, read the classifieds and ...nothing. What we loved wasn't for sale and what we didn't, was! We felt tired and dispirited before we'd even begun.

There are many ways to search for houses and for us, the best was "TradeMe" - New Zealand's answer to Ebay! The only problem was that the agents - all of them - took wide angled photos of each room so that the room looked bigger than it actually was. We had to gauge how stretched the rooms looked in the photos compared to their actual sizes by looking carefully at the ridiculously stretched furniture - cabinets, sofas and micros. But these photos are taken with the agents banking on most people not looking at the furnishings as much as the rooms in which they are placed. The idea is to get people to actually visit the property before discarding it. Can't help wishing housing agents stopped doing that.

After many false starts we finally decided on the house we wanted. I can't begin to tell you how thrilled we were. The housing agent was wonderful and showed us around the property.

The Housing Agent (or broker) is the first professional one meets when one decides to buy property in NZ.  It is quite a hard job to be in as the agent gets a commission only if he or she notches up a sale. No sale, no pay. It is in his or her interest to ensure the process moves along smoothly.

If buyers have done their homework, they know the government valuation of the property and what houses in the area have recently sold for. Government valuations are revised every three years (I think) and if one wants to know the current value of the property as compared to a three year old valuation, one can, if one wishers, employ the services of a valuer. This involves a fee.

The valuation is a good starting point for the buyer. The seller has an asking price. The housing agent helps with the negotiations. This, to my mind, needs great delicacy and tact. The buyer and seller don't meet till negotiations are over. The agent needs to keep both positive as they hammer out a compromise. The agent also needs to be a mind reader. For example, at what point in the negotiations will/won't/can/can't the buyer or seller call a halt? If they settle for a price it is a major hurdle overcome but there's still plenty the buyer has to worry about.


How on earth does one find out if everything is above board and the property is sound? That is where the other experts come in. 

The professionals we dealt with were the housing agent (as above), the city council, a certified builder, our lawyers, the bank and the mortgage (loan) agent. Here’s what each of them did for us.

• We applied to the city council for a LIM report. LIM stands for Land Information Memorandum. It lets us know whether the land on which the property stands is safe to invest in. Involves a, to my mind, hefty, fee.
• For peace of mind, it is best to invest in a certified builder for a builder’s report on the state of the property one plans to invest in - what needs painting or repairs or redoing. One pays a hefty fee for this service too. 

But in the long run, these reports are invaluable for what is right or wrong with the property and the land it stands on. Just to give an example, the property we finally bought had something wrong with the drainage system and we managed to get the cost of repairs off the asking price.

Once we decided on the home we wanted to buy, we informed the sellers through the housing agent, negotiated and settled for a price and signed a conditional contract.

The conditions in our case were:

1. subject to finance from the bank, 
2. subject to the LIM report from the city council which really took a long time - ten working days, and 
3. subject to the builder’s report.

We'd picked a lovely property and were all ready to sign on the dotted line when we received the builder’s report. That wasn’t satisfactory and put a halt to the proceedings. Oh the dejection, the desire to ignore what was in the report and having come this far, to go ahead anyway. But in the end, thanks to the advice of a friend experienced in the property line and of course, the builder's report,  good sense prevailed. It was worth the fee we paid the builder or we would’ve made a terrible mistake. For a lifelong investment and possibly something one would like to leave for the kids, one cannot afford to make such mistakes.

The search was on again. We were lucky the second time around. Somehow, it was a more subdued affair. The house agent (a different one for a different house in a different locality) stood by quietly as many hopeful buyers wandered through the property looking for the pros and cons on "Open day". The agent was there to answer any questions potential buyers might have and we had plenty.

The builder’s report had a long list of exactly what he thought was wrong with the second property we liked. We noticed they were mostly minor repairs or associated with normal wear and tear. Keeping in mind the time frame, the kind of repairs to be carried out and what was RIGHT with the property, we picked out a few repairs we considered essential and asked the seller to attend to those. The seller agreed. Then there was no going back. We were committed. We were full of misgivings and doubt, our experience having told us anything could happen at the 11th hour. Yet, along with the fear there was that undeniable little knot of excitement and elation.

All three conditions above were met within a certain number of (specified in the contract) days and the contract went unconditional. It was now over to the bank and our lawyers. The housing agent sent us a gift basket with chocolates, cheese, crackers, gourmet jams and other goodies including a thoughtfully provided packet of special spices to make "Bombay Potatoes". This was her own personal touch. With or without the goodies, she comes highly recommended by this family of buyers.

The lawyers and bank were essential but our mortgage agent was invaluable in securing the best possible terms the bank could offer. Without his help we couldn’t possibly have known what to ask the bank for. He negotiated hard on our behalf. The papers he ensured we had ready for the bank were a thick wad (I think about 80 pages) but they helped the process along smoothly and rapidly. The bank, after satisfying itself that we would have the wherewithal to pay, ensuring if anything happened to us, at least our insurance could, mortgaged the property to itself at the current rate.

The final professionals we employed were the packers and movers. They were wonderful. Their work is punishing and yet they were cheerful and efficient. What they lifted and moved in one day would’ve taken reasonably strong and ordinary folk a week. There was no damage and perhaps minimal loss.

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After we moved in, we stepped out for lunch one afternoon. When we got back we had the shock of our lives. We'd been burgled. Not everything is rosy in New Zealand and having lived here for many years, we don't see it through rose spectacles either. It is just that when things go right, one tends to forget what could go wrong. We ought to have remembered to install an alarm system; we ought not... no point in hashing all that up.

Our insurance covered our loses and now, we have an alarm system installed. Our neighbours were really supportive and we feel we can finally begin to enjoy our new home.

This post was prompted by Smita's experience of buying a house in India. Her first post on the series is here

A Healthier Option to non-stick Teflon - an Indian Innovation

Technology and innovation spring out of need and sometimes, there are heartwarming stories of how some people overcome hurdles to meet those needs. Here's one.

After a devastating earthquake the poor people of Gujarat in western India had their earthenware water storage pots broken and couldn't afford new ones. Mansukhlal, a school dropout, started working on an affordable option to a fridge to keep water cool in one compartment and store veges in another. He worked on it from 2001 to 2004 with his father urging him to give up on it and join him as a labourer. Mansukhlaal didn't give in and finally succeeded in making his refrigerator.

Perhaps you've heard of Mansukhlal's "Mitticool". For the benefit of those who don't know, Mitti simply means earth or soil. In this case it is clay soil from Gujarat. Mansukhlal sold his Mitticools for Rs 350 - 400. (USD 7 to 10) to the poor. Today it might be a bit more but will always be way cheaper than a fridge. And guess what, it doesn't need electricity. Milk stays fresh for a day and veges for a week.

picture from http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/Feat+of+clay/1/93164.html

His wife couldn't afford a non stick frypan and in 2005 he set out to invent a hot plate made of clay (a tawa) which costs less than a dollar. Tata chemicals conducted a food grade test and pronounced it safe. Much safer than non-stick pans. Non stick pans are coated with PFCs (perfluorinated chemicals). Unfortunately, we use PFCs in many common everyday objects. To find out more and especially for the harmful effects of PFCs, read what Jennifer Hass, PhD, has to say here.

 One of the effects is that children are born with poor immune systems making them vulnerable to diseases, and weak.

According to Jennifer, "Almost all disease is a combination of genetics and environmental exposure. We can't do much about our genes, but we can do something to make our environment safer for ourselves and our loved ones."

 Mansukhlal's non-stick pan is a much better option. Not only is it non-stick, it can rival any teflon coated product for the minuscule quantity of oil needed to turn out a tasty dish.

I've heard Anil Gupta on Ted.com (India's hotbeds of invention) say it is safer than Teflon, that it is energy efficient and affordable. Incidentally, Anil Gupta talks of innovations of the poor from all over the world - not only India. His link:
http://www.ted.com/talks/anil_gupta_india_s_hidden_hotbeds_of_invention.html

Mansukhbhai's products are seen everywhere in markets and he's received orders from as far away as Africa and the US. To see pictures of his products, click on his link: http://www.mitticool.in/Mitticoolrefrigerator.htm.What true grit. What determination. What courage against all odds.

What you can do to reduce your exposure to PFCs at home: Use cast iron, stainless steel, or glass cookware or Mansukhlal's non-stick pan. Avoid pans with non-stick coatings.

For more recommendations on how to save yourself and very young kids from PFCs, please visit this site.